Erosion. Its a natural phenomenon. Small ravines winding through mountains are made through this process. Over time, water, wind, and earth can ever so subtly, can eat through the tons of rock over a million years to form very beautiful formations.
However, there is another type of erosion process; and it doesn’t have the same wonderful effect on humans. A little at a time, a person can become eroded by the small aspects of the world. This type of erosion is rather unnatural though. It's not something that occurs to all elements over time. I've experienced this erosion. A process by which a person's psyche, self worth, and confidence, are reduced to something hollow. This is a process by which you may not even know that is happening. You’re barely aware of it, but the uniform of the mediocre somehow gets tailored and fitted. Yet somehow, not even remembering putting it on. A metaphorical one, not the one that we wear at a place of work. And it will deteriorate a person over time. But, its been revealed to me that this mediocre uniform wasn't made for me. It was merely someone else's. Without a healthy vigilance, anyone can be wearing it. I'm not okay with this. Nor am I okay with anyone, no matter who they are, making me feel guilty for not wearing it.
I've been an outsider my whole life. Never, can I ever, remember fitting in. And nothing can drain your energy more, especially your spirit, when an implied intimidation manifests itself around situations that will not only make me uncomfortable, but to also empty a sense of self that has taken me so very long to appreciate. Being enlightened is wonderful! By even the smallest things. Just a random, obscure fact about something that I never knew regarding a topic that I felt that I knew quite well. This is an amazing world we live in. It’s so easy to reduce it through a small scope and obscure what it really is. When we take a little bit of time to appreciate how wonderful it is, we can find ourselves feeling a little lighter. Slightly unencumbered. Not as burdened by the daily stress of what the negative context of the other ‘world’ that is often referred to. This other world has a negative context to it. It is made of a thought-trust of people, who through out the ages have guided a formless basis on how our lives should operate. They make our lives difficult. More so than it needs to be. They plague us with the usual tools of doubt and fear. Making us self conscious of things that we ought not be concerned about. Shackling the mind. Adding “the weight of the world” on to us. But, I don’t need to carry it. You don’t need to carry it. If they think its so important, then they can have it back.
Perhaps for a time, it did benefit us to a degree. We may have even discovered some new, fantastic things about ourselves that we didn’t know was there. However, it’s long term effects are ultimately debilitating. Also, this mindset was created by those that can only feel confident by having others shoulder something that doesn’t exist in order to make themselves feel confident. They speak loud, seem authoritative, and throw titles that are both real and fiction. They let us know how much we need to worry about. The social barometers of this world trust. Not only are they very concerned about how much that we are responsible for, but they also show us just how dark the never ending tunnel of responsibility is. A murky decent to which there is no end. So it’s very important that they not only share that with the rest of us; but its also important that we manage all of it on our own so that they don’t have to. After a while, a lifetime of our thoughts become fixated on this other world. Lives get completed spent on it. No joy for anything. A constant noise of everything except the one thing that we so desperately need to hear.
Real strength, real confidence, is from being connected with our own hearts. We find that their is a well there that is everlasting. And when we share just a little of our knowledge, wisdom, experience; we find renewed strength in others. The fog of this intangible ‘world’ starts to dissipate. Suddenly things aren’t so bad. “Why was I so worried in the first place??”. Now life is less about problems, and more about possibilities. About potential. Responsibilities are more procedural, and not the sole reason for existence. Everything feels better now. We know the things that we have to take care of; we just don’t need to be reminded about it every second of our lives. It should be alright to breath, and feel better with every breath. Because it is so precious. So wonderful. This eroded mediocre version of ourselves should be cast off. So that this well can fill again. Water can erode things; but it also helps to give life. Sustain life. Love is so powerful. To find love even in the smallest things can refuel you. We forget just how amazing our natural world is. Oceans, mountains, and people. The amazing machine of the human body. Different cultures, architecture, poetry. It’s all here! Yet, it is so easy to forget about. To become weighted again. We face enough challenges as it is. We shouldn’t prescribe to more overworked thoughts from others so that they can feel better about themselves because they just added another to the pile of backbreaking responsibilities that we are already enduring. So I give this back. Especially to those that may have become angry after reading this entry.
I feel sorry for those not reacting well to this entry. I truly do. We could’ve been friends. I could’ve helped you. Genuinely helped. But, you don’t want help. You just want me to do it all for you; or turn it around and make a victim of yourself. To give yourself a sense of worth. That, or you’d just would like for me to share your pain. So much so that we both become pronounced victims. We’ll just feed off each other’s hate and self-loathing for years to come. That isn’t going to happen though. You’re not a part of my world anymore. My world is full of so many wonderful things that I’ve yet to discover. It’s exciting! You, however, only want to make me feel like I was barely given permission to enjoy this place. What demarcations that are okay for me to be in. Being fearful of everything. Fearful of happiness. You’d like me to be as weighed down with the problems of the world, like yourself, so that you can feel better about who you are. Such a career that you’ve built for yourself. Does it pay well? It probably does. An empire built on misery. You created a lot of problems for others to deal with, and when they actually did the impossible and came up with solutions, you then discarded just give yourself a little bit of power for the day. Did that give you confidence? Are you valued now? Intrinsically? Are you respected? Strangely enough, I hope you get better. I don’t think you will, but one can hope. Because this is something that I truly would like to be wrong about.
I believe that the rest of us are doing well. We’re improving on ourselves a little more each day, and helping others when we can. Appreciating more of the things that we tend to forget about. Because their is so much greatness out there. So much goodness. Far more than we tend to recognize. We could let ourselves continue to become eroded away; but who does that really help? Who or what is really benefiting? I don’t think any of us would be happy with the answer to that. But by doing our best, and taking a little bit of a risk here and there on the things that matter; then you have become a part of greatness. You have become an example. Inspiring others. Inspiring me. I want to be just like you. You’re awesome! You make me feel like I matter. I want to learn from you. Becoming a pioneer. A leader and a friend.
We are not as few as we think. Not so easily swayed by hysteria. Mostly, we keep to ourselves a little more than we would like to; but only so that we can operate in a more conducive manner. These strengths that we know all to well about ourselves can be easily turned against us. Make us ashamed of who we are. Turn inward so that we actually find that we end up punishing ourselves.
We end up doing the work for the poor souls that don’t have anything better do to. Actually end up doing the work for the lazy bastards of making ourselves feel horrible. How pathetic is that? Inviting shame, self-loathing, so that those that refuse to attempt that which we have struggle so hard to achieve can sleep better at night so that were hurting ourselves on their behalf.
But I think now I suffered enough. It’s time for others to endure some discomfort. Your numbers up. Time to check in. I’ve keep the seat warm. Hope you’ve had some rest; cause it’s gonna be a long night my friend. No more backseat driving; this is your stop. Limbo can be awhile, so bring a newspaper or magazine with you. The path to regression is at an end. Our future is just over the rise for the rest of us. You wouldn’t like it there anyway….it’s full of hope.